Guided by Fear or Wisdom?

Recently I have been wrestling with whether to pursue a professional opportunity. I have weighed the pros and cons and changed my mind so many times; I’m one step away from flipping a coin. But leaving such choices to chance is really not my style.

I’m known for taking leaps of faith. In my late 20s I made a life-altering decision to leave my job as a television news reporter and venture out on my own. Since then, being self-employed has taught me to continue to trust my gut. When I’ve had strong feelings or convictions, I have followed my intuition and the details have seemed to work themselves out.

But lately my inner radar has taken an unapproved vacation, and I’m totally confused about the next move I should make. I keep thinking about the movie Sliding Doors, where a split-second decision changed the course of Gwyneth Paltrow’s life. Except in real life, I don’t get to see both scenarios playing out side by side, and I definitely don’t get to peek into the future and select the outcome that suits me best.

So after my gut check failed, I sought wise counsel. I spent hours on the phone with a very patient mom, who understood my quandary and told me she supported my choice, whatever it happened to be. I went to my husband for advice. But he knows I don’t really want him to tell me what to do, I just want him to listen as I painstakingly turn over every option and scenario until we’re out of wine. I prayed for guidance while secretly hoping to find a road map under my pillow.

The two sides of my personality, Ms. Dreamer and Ms. Practical, are at odds. I wonder if I can be practical and still hold on to the dream. Will listening to the dreamer send us into poverty? Can the dreamer and the practical co-exist? And if I walk the line, will that leave me feeling unproductive and split down the middle?

Exhausted yet? Join the club.

This conversation has gone on for several of weeks, but the other day my weary husband got lucky and caught me at a moment when I wasn’t thinking about what I was going to say next. He made a point I actually heard, and it helped me see everything in a whole new light. He told me not to make the decision out of fear. It got me thinking about my motives and mind-set and the root of why I have been so conflicted.

I worry about not making enough money to help pay the bills. I contemplate taking a risk and stop with the thought of falling flat on my face. And worse: What if I don’t take the risk and live to regret it?

I’ve been putting a whole lot of pressure on one decision. And all those thoughts have been based on fear. Fear of financial stress, fear of failure, but mostly, fear of the unknown.

I haven’t been weighing the options from a place of power and confidence but a place of weakness and lack. I now realize none of the options is inherently good or bad. And no matter which step I decide to take, I won’t have total control over the ripple effects that follow. There are no guarantees, and that’s what I’ve been looking for. There will come a point when it’s time to make the choice and be done. What comes after that will be a decision for another time. I may need to adjust my course, or perhaps I’ll ride the wave.

I don’t know how to sail or surf, but I trust my ability to rise above my fear and learn. I can embrace my power, consult my compass and remember to share the wheel with the wind.

Bio: Angie Mizzell is a freelance writer living in Charleston, SC. Her work has appeared in Skirt! magazine and the Charleston Post and Courier. Read more of her essays and join the conversation at angiemizzell.com.

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