From the Martha-Stewart Mom to the All-Fun, All-the-Time Dad: Stereotyping the Parents

We may have grown up and gotten jobs, but in many ways we never left high school. If you’ve spent any time at school events, soccer games or endless birthday parties, you’ve been around your share of parents. And just as in high school, with one look you can categorize what clique they belong to. You can’t avoid it. As unique as we think we are, we’re all a bit of a cliché. Welcome back to the cafeteria.

‘Martha Stewart’ Mom
Cynthia: She’s the mom who never misses a bake sale. Every delicious organic homemade goody is perfectly packaged with a ribbon and some sort of origami creation that coincides with the season. She knits all the doilies that serve as a stage for her hand-painted gourd and pinecone holiday centerpiece. Her home looks like the Queen

of England’s summer cottage with various gold leaf-sponging techniques adorning all the walls. She makes every other mom she comes in contact with feel inferior in every way. If you are this woman, you’ll never realize it. The Martha Stewart Mom is a perfectionist, although as good as she looks on the outside, she feels that she’s not even good enough for herself.

‘Never Changed a Diaper’ Dad
Tom: This guy is my hero. I know it’s not right to say, and you may judge me for saying so, but it’s true. This guy acts like a dad from the 1950s. Doesn’t do diapers, homework, ballet class or anything else that he doesn’t want to do. In his mind it’s not selfish, because he is busy doing the dad stuff. Working, paying taxes, locking doors, programming the security system and drinking beer. I don’t know how this guy gets away with it but he obviously married someone very different from my wife.

‘Whoopee’ Dad
C: This is the dad that has to prove to everyone in the room that he is “No. 1 Fun Guy.” He jumps on the trampoline at baby gymnastics with his own kid. He doesn’t even notice his man weight is bouncing all the little children headfirst into the foam pit. He blatantly tries to upstage the party clown, stealing the spotlight from the struggling out-of-work-actor in a wig. He’s the guy who gets on all the kiddie rides at Chuck E. Cheese

pretending not to notice the crying toddlers impatiently waiting their turn. “Fun Guy” makes such an annoying show of what a good time he’s having that it sucks all the fun out of everyone else.

‘Have You Seen My New Accessory’ Mom
T: Some people aren’t sure why they have a child in the first place. And yet they end up with one anyway. For a lot of them, barring an accidental pregnancy, it is the same reason they end up with a certain car or TV—their friends have one. These people usually end up with just one kid. It’s not a kid so much as an accessory, like a purse or a Chihuahua. And more than one is just gross.

‘We Love Our Kids But Can’t Stand to be With Them for More Than an Hour a Day’ Parents

C: The heading says it all.

‘The Sky is Falling’ Couple
T: These parents live in a constant state of freaking out. Danger lurks around every corner. Every move their kid makes is guaranteed to end in disaster. These parents are haunted by potential visits to the emergency room, screaming, crying and stitches. I love watching these parents, especially at the park. There are no outlet covers or locked cabinets. It is just their kid and the terrifying jungle gym. The reality is you not only can’t control everything, you can’t control most things. You know how a kid ultimately learns not to fall out of a bed? By falling out of a bed.

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‘Is It 5:00 Yet’ Mom
C: This is the mom who intensely watches the clock, and the minute that hand hits its mark cocktail hour begins. She can fool herself into thinking that the sweat that accumulates on her brow at exactly 4:59 is merely exhaustion, menopause or global warming, but it’s really her coping mechanism announcing that vodka must enter the mouth immediately. Some might call this a drinking problem and others not a problem at all. Either way, they aren’t the ones you wanting driving car pool at the end of the day.

‘Wish I Was a Mom’ Dad
T: It may be unnatural to most. It may be kind of strange to some. But some dads really want to be the mom. You can pick them out during the pregnancy when they go around telling everyone that ‘we’ are five months pregnant. No, ‘she’ is pregnant and although you want one, you don’t have a vagina. They carry man purses, gossip at mommy and me music class, and although we can’t see it, I’m sure they wear training bras.

‘I Volunteer to Try and Get Dates’ Dad
T: I was always confused as to why some dads volunteer way more than other dads. They are always dragging their tools around to set up for Halloween, build sets for the plays and any other activity that the holiday crazed school system can come up with. Sure, I like pitching in, but these guys seem a little too motivated. And then I figured it out. Or rather, I was taught. They volunteer to try and sleep with the volunteering moms. It’s true. Just ask the guy who helped build the haunted house with my wife!

‘My Child is Gifted’ Mom
C: This is the mom who shows up at every parenting event she can find. She is the first one to raise her hand before

any questions are even asked to inquire how this might affect her child who is advanced in every way. You’ve heard them Every sentence begins with “My child is gifted so…” “My child is gifted so he shouldn’t have to do the regular homework as it bores him.” “My child is gifted so when he eats paste he’s just outwardly expressing his inner artistic brilliance.” What she is really saying is, “I gave birth to a genius so what does that make me?” Answer:
Intolerable.

‘I’m Still Cool’ Dad
T: The most important thing to this dad is that everyone knows he’s still cool. Just because he’s a father now doesn’t mean that he isn’t still self-centered enough to get new tattoos, shop for meaningless T-shirts and cling to the dream of one day going out on tour with U2. But as we all know, if you have to show people how cool you are, you really aren’t cool at all.

‘I’ve Given Up on Myself’ Mom
C: It’s not that I blame this mom. I understand how the arrival of a child can completely change things. But some moms go a little too far and completely forget that they are a wife, a woman, a sex goddess and just become 100% mom. If the only new clothes you’ve bought since the baby are five pairs of matching sweat pants and one pair of Wal-Mart jeans it’s time to look in the mirror and remember who you were in 1986. Of course you may not fit into any of these categories. You may be the one person who is truly unique. Congratulations, but don’t expect to be asked to eat at the same table with the cool kids.

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Cynthia Koury-Papa is a stand-up comedian, actress and former showgirl. So it was only natural that she married stand-up comedian and lover of showgirls, Tom Papa. He is known throughout the country for his many appearances, most recently the host of The Marriage Ref.

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