Change in Plans

I had heard the expression, “There is one beautiful baby in the world and every mother has it,” and when my son was born, I knew I had that baby. That is until things began to be not-so-perfect and, long story short, my “number one son” was diagnosed with autism. There began the life I hadn’t bargained for.

My parenting philosophy changed entirely with the diagnosis. I had always imagined myself as a mother who would push for my “number one son’s” individualism; supporting any direction his nature took him. Now, I work hard to make him just like every other kid. He has things like Transformers, Pokeman and Sponge Bob shoved down his throat with the hope that it will help him connect with his peers. When we walk through ‘Toys R Us,’ I watch what other little boys are begging their mothers for. When they drop to the ground in a temper tantrum, I step over their kicking feet to reach for that very item for “number one son.” If that is what typical boys desperately want, then that is what my boy shall have.

After four years of undergraduate study, a two year master’s degree, three years of law school and a year of  articling - I imagined my credentials would land me a hot job Downtown. I could picture it before it happened:  swanky suit, power lunches, lipstick dabbed to perfection, BlackBerry reminding me minute-by-minute how important I was. Sashaying in my Manolo Blahnik heels — cute and clever, heading into court!

Present day reality check: I just had my fifth baby and my eldest, who recently turned eight, has autism. My lifestyle standards have adjusted, to say the least. Now my measure of a successful day is to get through it without smelling like baby pee or toddler puke. The vision of Manolo Blahniks has transformed into the reality of my favourite pair of fuzzy bunny slippers.

It did not take me long to realize that a legal career does not particularly accommodate women with small children, especially children with special needs. This is not to say that I don’t have the opportunity to use my finely-tuned legal skills— the definitions have just altered. “Advocacy” now means being an expert on school board policies. I know what rights the Education Act provides, I write to Members of Parliament, and I protest in the rain on the front lawn of our government offices for autism funding. And at home with five children, my skills in “negotiation” are constantly put to the test!!

There is a fantastic poem* about life with a special needs child that was given to me when my son was first diagnosed. The poem compares having a child to planning a trip to Italy. You and all your friends are planning a trip to Italy, so you buy all the gear you’ll need, learn some Italian and make plans to visit the Coliseum. Everyone is going to the same place and seeing the same things. Then you have a child with a disability. You become separated from your friends, who made it to Italy. You instead find yourself in Holland. Now you have to learn a different language, become part of a different culture and meet different people. But once you get used to Holland, you see that there are tulips, windmills and Rembrandts. It’s not where you wanted to go, but you are there and it’s not so bad.

When we have kids, there are no guarantees. I am not working in a swanky office downtown, but I am in Holland.  “Number one son” brought us here and it is a place we  love because we are here with him. It’s not as glamorous as Rome, but we couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

*”Welcome to Holland” by Emily Pearl Kingsley

BIO: Julie Cole is one of the founding mompreneurs of Mabel’s Labels and the mother of five.

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