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I like to hear stories about other moms’ crappy days, especially while having coffee. I know it’s sick, but there is no stress, just pure entertainment, like when someone is getting ticketed on the highway or a celebrity trips on the red carpet. It’s evil, I know. A guilty pleasure, really. Which brings me to my latest sordid tale about “the case of the vanishing nipple.” Ladies, get your coffee.
My girlfriend’s name is Kara. This is her fake name, because she said she wouldn’t talk to me if i used her real name. and because she is such a source of entertainment, I would be foolish to end my dealings with her this early in my writing career.
She told me recently that she and her husband don’t usually do crazy things sexy-like. You know, they’re never going to make love on the beach or make a sex tape. So, she surprised me when she told me that she had been texting him some sexy comments at work. After a while she decides it’s time to up her game and go outside of her safety zone. She decides to text him a picture of her nipple. Yep, nipple. Wouldn’t have thought of it myself, but a nice choice.
Well, she had called me at 3 o’clock to share the story, but she seemed upset. She explained that she had sent her nipple at 9 a.m., and that it was 3 o’clock and her husband still didn’t get her nipple! It was lost in cyberspace! Her nipple was just floating around somewhere, and her husband definitely didn’t have it. She said she had called me because her husband’s name was “Brett” and she thought perhaps she had sent it to us, the “Blizzards." I assured her that like any good friend, I would have immediately called if I had received her nipple.
The worst thing about it, she said, was that “it wasn’t even a good picture” of her nipple. You know, she had her hand underneath it, holding it up because after a couple of years of breastfeeding you just know that nipple wouldn’t reach for the sky on its own. It’s still gone. I’m pretty sure she sent it to some uncle she rarely speaks to, and now she will be known as the “creepy niece."
Isn’t that how it goes, though? Most of us aren’t closet sex freaks—we’ve been relegated to mommy sex-hood and accepted there will be no one-night stands with mysterious men with Italian accents or moonlight sex romps on the beach with men that have a full head of hair. But every so often, it’s okay to go outside of your sexual comfort zone. Just be smart about it. Leave your bras on and the texting to pimply faced teenagers, where it belongs.
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Dena Blizzard first garnered attention in 1995 as Miss New Jersey in the Miss America Pageant, where she proudly ranked in the “Top 50." Since then she has worked as a television host, corporate spokesperson, mother, and comedienne. She has previously hosted “Real Simple TV” on PBS based on Real Simple magazine but her greatest joy is stand-up comedy. In 2008, Dena launched her one-woman show “One Funny Mother: I’m Not Crazy” to rave reviews. She is also now working for the Nate Berkus show!
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This article is hilarious!
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