A Parenting Strategy That Really Works

A note to follow through keeps this mom in line.

Marcia Maynard

I’m often an optimist in the mornings. I assume my day will go as planned. Whether or not my three year old son will follow directions isn’t a question. I’m sure he will.

Then breakfast starts. His spoon is suddenly a toy. His cup is too close to his elbow and spills. He forgets to take his empty bowl to the counter. My optimism turns to annoyance. Can’t he see I’m feeding the baby, wiping the table and trying to take a sip of my lukewarm coffee? He’s old enough to follow directions, so why isn’t he?

One day, after thinking about these situations, I realize I’m creating them, not my son. He’s being a perfect preschooler; one who notices different sounds a spoon makes when tapped on the table, or how napkins move when blown, or how the morning sun shines on a toy truck. He isn’t forgetting his manners or ignoring me, he’s just noticing the world. I’m being the perfect, distracted, multitasking mom, who expects her young child to do something she’s asked.

Yet, I’m often not paying attention while I ask. He’s learned that I don’t notice when my request is ignored. I needed a reminder to pay attention when I ask him to do something. So I wrote myself a note and taped it to the kitchen cupboard. Don’t Ask Unless You Can Follow Through. Follow through, meaning it’s up to me to teach him to stay focused on what he’s been asked to do.

Has the note helped me? Yes. I see it each morning before breakfast. I’m trying to stop making requests when I’m busy doing something else. Instead, when I ask him to do something, such as clean up, I try to lead him in the right direction. I’ll help him if he needs help or just give a kind reminder. Does my note always work? No. There are still times I catch myself asking him, and expecting him, to get dressed while I’m cleaning dishes or taking out the garbage. But I do recognize my problem and isn’t that the first step? I hope, as he grows older and as I follow through more often, that there will be a morning when he’s dressed, without any reminders. And maybe my coffee will still be hot.

Marcia Maynard is a former reading specialist and elementary school teacher. She currently runs a blog for parents of preschoolers, readandraise.com.