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Our Parenting Philosophies Are So Different, I Don't Think We Can Be Friends

She just can't do it: One mom befriends another and they have plenty in common--except how they parent.
Maureen Dempsey

I met Sara on the playground. We were both following our toddler daughters navigate the various monkey bar equipment, bobbing and weaving through slides and swings.

At first we got along perfectly. While our children couldn’t have been more different—hers wild and adorable, mine was shy and sweet—Sara and I had a lot in common. Although on opposite ends of the business, we both had worked in the magazine industry prior to starting a family. We talked about who we knew, where former colleagues (and some enemies) had landed. She was really one of the few playground moms that I felt like I would be friends with in a non-child-revolving world, aka, regular life.

At first, her daughter, Bea, was almost too cute to take. She would repeat common phrases and clichés spoken like a little adult. She had a preference for being naked, and almost always disrobed—no matter where we were. (So confident and free!) Her shoulder-length double braids were the lightest, whitest blonde, perfectly framing her chubby face.

Then, the tantrums started. She didn’t get the cookie she wanted. She didn’t want to share. She insisted on being naked in the coffee shop. She wanted to go to the other playground. She wanted that toy (in the hands of my child.) After each of her demands weren’t met, she wailed—howled—and failed and, for lack of a better term, freaked out. Now, this is not to say that my daughter hadn’t experienced the terrible two’s equal intensity, but I had a limit. When my kid was making a scene, we left.

Sara, on the other hand, loved Bea’s outspoken, wild spirit. It took many misdeeds on Bea’s part for Sara to take action. She attempted to squelch bad behavior with a combination of mother earth talk (“Come on, take a deep breath”), empty threats (“Okay, Bea. That’s it. We’re going to have to leave if you can’t share. [Continued wailing, no exit.]), and pathetic pleas ("Bea, please do Mommy a favor and put your clothes back on.”)

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It was infuriating to watch a two-year-old work her mother like she did. The pattern: Bea freaked out, cried for 10 minutes, Sara gave in and gave her what she wanted, Bea smiled a sickly manipulative smile and said, “I’m going to be good now.” Ugh.

Then I realized: I can’t blame this child. She’s only functioning in a way that she’s been told works just fine. So after all of our playdates, outings to the mall, and playground runs, my anger turned toward Sara. I’m not a strict hard-ass when it comes to parenting, but I don’t take much from my child. And it’s difficult to watch another parent create a little monster. Any benefit I had received from finding a friend to divide and conquer a SAHM day was overcast by my disgust for her parenting philosophies. Secondly, I didn't want Bea's bad behavior rubbing off on my daughter.

At first I tried to offer advice, but I even annoyed myself. Who really wants unsolicted parenting advice from another mom? 

So I backed away. My schedule slowly became busier, and I faded out. My freelance work picked up, and I had less time to frolic at the playground. And that was that. We grew apart. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I see now that becoming a mother has had more of an effect on my life than I anticipated, that being a mom  is hard work, and surrounding myself with like-minded parents is the only way to make it. 

 

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Comments

Submitted by Hilary Elizabeth (not verified) on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 07:59

Maureen, that was such a refreshing article. Thank you for writing it and helping me see that I'm not alone out there. I am having the very same experience with a mommy friend. Her daughter and my son had been together in the same daycare class since they were young tots, 15mo. The mom and I became good friends, and the truth is that she's a wonderful person, and I care about her. She's a true friend. And we have a good circle of friends whose kids are all now 5 and have a good time together. However, this friend does not have a shred of discipline within her. Her daughter is a true hellion, bossy, selfish, and just plain mean, and she's a terrible influence in my child, who is outgoing but mild mannered and sensitive. My friend never (and I mean NEVER) follows through on her promises of time out or taking a toy away, etc. And the girl knows it. There are so many egregious examples, but I digress. The bottom line is that I've started getting "very busy" and unable to meet up, and it makes me sad, but I have to do what's best for my child, and what's best is that he not have contact whith this little girl. So, thank you for your article, it made me feel alot better that I'm not the only one out there who deals with this.
Submitted by Megan Schwartz (not verified) on Fri, 08/20/2010 - 10:07

I had a similar experience, though for me the mother's philosophy had a an immediate consequence on MY child. Basically, I had become friends with the woman when our kids were babies and as they grew it was obvious that we approached discipline differently. She tried hard to be an rather condescending "example" to me of what she thought I should do with my kids (i.e. lots of second chances, gentle negotiations and half-hearted consequences). I mostly shrugged it off and noticed that her daughter grew up much as your friend's child did: tantrums, demands, rudeness, disrespect. It all came to a head when, in response to my child not wanting to play with her, she picked up a toy and started beating my daughter over the head with it. My child walked away with a bloody forehead and half-inch gash. My friend's daughter? Well, she got a time-out and her punishment was that she had to leave the playdate (as if I wasn't going to kick them out anyway). And that was it for me. It was the kids who had the confrontation, but the resulting parenting conflict ended our friendship. I never commented on how she handled the situation (that's between her and her spoiled child), but I changed MY response to her immediately. We no longer invite them over, have seen each other only a handful of times since then and I do not allow the children to be alone together AT ALL on the few times we have gotten together. I think as your kids grow older you find out whether you are actually friends with people or if the friendship was about the kids. When the kids don't mesh anymore it just stops working.
Submitted by Janna Clark (not verified) on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 02:40

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Submitted by Susan D (not verified) on Fri, 12/17/2010 - 02:36

I am pregnant with my first child and am wondering if this applies to how women are with pregnancy too! I can easily see myself getting out of a friendship because of the way a mother does or does not discipline her child because I feel that way about how women live their pregnancies already!
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 01/26/2011 - 04:03

I'm wondering how many of the "bad" moms,the ones who fit the description of not disciplining their children and raising spoiled brats,will be reading this article. And then I wonder how many of them will see themselves in the characters. I wish articles, like this one,would actually help people who need to change,but usually,all they do is to help the rest of us,who think and try to behave in ways that are beneficial to ourselves,others and especially our children,to feel better about the situations we end up in with those who don't or can't see the greater picture.
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 01/26/2011 - 09:25

This was a good article; I enjoyed it, seeing how another mom reacts to a bad situation for her child. The comments are just as good! We have "fallen away" from many friends in our children's lives - daycare friends who went to a different school, classmates that moved to another class & we didn't see that much, a family whose older child worked with my husband and they had a falling out, and finally (most painfully) a family whose child accused ours of some indecent behavior. [This last situation resulted in counseling to make sure nothing untoward had happened; it had not, but we couldn't change their minds about how they viewed our kid or us.] Out of all these friends and their absence, I think the lesson is this: friends come and go, and the ones who really mean a lot to you are worth fighting to keep. The others aren't. Simple as that. Also, you need to be the best parent you can be, through learning and asking for help when you need it. Sometimes those other parents can have good things to teach, sometimes not. If making friends changes the way your family works, it can be for the best or for the worst - stick with those friends who enrich your lives, not the ones who hurt and discourage.
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 02/17/2011 - 17:02

This article is nothing but self-serving, judgemental crap. The only thing of worth in this "article" is that parents with different parenting styles might not be beneficial for one another. Other than that, the author's "holier than thou" overtone was more than irritating. Different parenting styles are okay; parenting snobs are not.
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 04/29/2011 - 10:42

i had basically the same experience as meagan s. only the friend was my sister-in-law, and my 3 kids are the same age as her 3. so i've had a long long 10 years of avoiding as many play dates as possible. but we can't really avoid the many family functions we attend throughout the year. my son was also sent home with a bloody forehead. my other son learned how to throw a tantrum, which was quickly squelched with time-out in his room. and my youngest daughter learned how to hit her brothers as hard as she could. and my holier than thou sisterinlaw actually tried to have an intervention with me on my parenting skills years ago. she tried to tell me that it's okay to "let kids be kids". but seriously her daughter is 12 and still throws rolling on the floor screaming tantrums. and she's taller than her mom now. but on the plus side, my husband started disciplining his nieces and nephew himself earlier this year. he told his sister that she needed to have SOME control over her children. she accepted this, and now her children absolutely hate to come over to our house.
Submitted by gurjeet (not verified) on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 00:53

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Submitted by Bean There (not verified) on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 15:30

I had a good friend with a daughter who was obnoxious and manipulative as a toddler. She physically hurt my son EVERY time we had a play date. So the play dates became few and far between. Then she got a little brother and did the same thing to him. Well, that did it. The parents had had enough and she went to a behavioral psychologist who made a few recommendations to help the girl cope with her actions. She is now a sweet 13 year old. Kids can change. They can grow up and mature and become better people. Some nasty kids become nice and vice versa. Some times you tell by their parents, but not always. You just have to hope that they are smart enough and have enough of a moral base to catch on.

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